It's 5AM. My eyes and forehead want sleep, but my body is awake and my mind is restless.
I've been on a long insomniac internet trek. It began around 1AM with routine facebook, gmail, and news checking, the sort that often precedes going to bed, but this time it transitioned smoothly into researching the Dallas metro system, and from there into checking Google Earth. Google Earth led me, predictably, to Taiwan. I wanted to see if there was any progress shown on the construction work beside the main metro station in Taipei. (On another internet wandering, I had learned that the construction sites I noticed while living there in 2007-2008 were going to be two relatively tall buildings with quite a bit underneath them, further extending the already extensive underground portion of the metro station area.)
Google Earth had apparently not updated its satellite pictures of Taiwan in quite some time, and did not even show the sites as they had been 3 years ago. I found a german site with an article about the construction, which linked to a skyscraper website with an old forum topic from about the time I was living there. Another quick search, however, revealed a recent one where someone had posted pictures. The deep holes are covered up, and vertical work is likely to begin soon, probably by the next time I manage to get to Taipei. In checking to see if anyone had posted new Taiwan-overlays for Google Earth, I came across an announcement that street-view was now available for parts of Taiwan. I went to check this out, and was rather moved to find that vast sections of Taipei are now viewable in detail from the streets. The exact alley on which I lived was not photographed, but the streets surrounding it were, and I could see all my favorite places on Yong Kong Street. I followed the photo links from Taipei over to Keelung, and found that it had been street-viewed too. I don't know how many employees Google has, but someone put in a lot of driving time... I wouldn't be surprised if Google wants to expand Google Earth into a complete visual representation of most of the Earth. They have already progressed quite far towards that goal... Using Keelung's street-view I went up onto a mountain to see if I could recreate the view of the city as I saw it when I was there on top of a mountain, but could not find the place where I had been previously. I went to look up the wikipedia article for Keelung to see if I could get my bearings, but found nothing pertaining to the statue I was looking for. I did notice that Keelung had been settled by a particular tribe before the Chinese arrived, and a few followed links led me to a map of Taiwan's indigenous tribal peoples. I noticed the Amis tribe, having met a few Taiwanese who were of Amis descent, and from their article went to search for their music on YouTube. I found the music of a famous singer named Difang, who apparently had a performance found and used by Enigma in a very famous song without crediting him. I remembered that I had heard his music in the home of a missionary in Taichung, and quickly found the original song (without drum and synth tracks) on iTunes. Definitely worth 99 cents for that one. I listened to it a few times, wondering if the song had words or simply melodic phonetic sounds, and went to look for a Cantonese language lesson video on YouTube, to check the pronunciation on a phrase I had learned from a friend at the Chinese church I go to. I did not find that phrase, but heard many others, and read an interesting article contrasting Mandarin and Cantonese and comparing their difficulty levels. (Cantonese was judged to be the more difficult of the two languages by several linguistic metrics) I then looked for a Hakka language video, as I have a few Hakka friends as well and would be interested in learning at least a few common phrases. I found what I was looking for, but will probably just have one of my friends teach me, as a later search on Wikipedia revealed that the Taiwanese variant of Hakka is not the same as the Guangdong variety, which I think is what the video was using. Reading about the Hakka people led to reading about the Mien people, -I just met a Mien lady this past weekend- who were heavily influenced by Hakka Chinese language and culture at some point in their collective pasts, and about how America used their help in Vietnam during the "Secret War" in Laos.
Now many of them live in Sacramento, apparently... Noticing that it was now after 4AM, I checked facebook and my email once again, and then checked a few webcomics that had updated after midnight. I listened again to the song by Difang, and felt very alive, as I often do when staying up this late.
For some reason the background noise of my mind dies down at these hours, and I become aware of my life, this life that we all experience in common, moment by moment. Now in the quiet hours when latest night shifts towards earliest morning, I write this short account of one night's doings, and ponder life as it passes. Small wonder I have trouble sleeping...
A mental prompting led me to check the syllabus for my World Missions Class this semester. As it turns out, I do indeed have an assignment due tomorrow, a one page essay on the World Evangelism Conference. That will be written quickly enough, the difficulty will be keeping it to anything as short as a page. Yet the thought of assignments due suggests that getting at least some sleep tonight is recommended. 3 hours of sleep is better than no sleep, perhaps.
And so this little rumination ends here. Perhaps someone will find this amusing. If not, at least my insomnia has manifested itself into written form. That should be useful later somehow.
Rest comes in many forms... sometimes sleep is not one of them.
-Joseph
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Home Someday
"Our Happy Home" - David Crowder
=============================
Hallelujah, we are on our way
Hallelujah, we are on our way to God
From Egypt lately come
Where death and darkness reign
To seek our new our better home
Where we our rest shall gain
There sin and sorrow cease
And every conflict’s o’er
There we shall dwell in endless peace
And never hunger more
Jerusalem, our happy home
Would God I were in Thee
Would God my woes were at an end
Thy joy that I might see
We soon shall join the throng
Their pleasures we shall share
And sing the everlasting song
With all the ransomed there
Jerusalem, our happy home
Would God I were in Thee
Would God my woes were at an end
Thy joy that I might see
There in celestial strains
Enraptured myriads sing
There love in every bosom reigns
For God Himself is King
Jerusalem, our happy home
Would God I were in Thee
Would God my woes were at an end
Thy joy that I might see
Jerusalem, our happy home
Would God we were in Thee
Would God our woes were at an end
Thy joy at last shall see
=========================
-Joseph
=============================
Hallelujah, we are on our way
Hallelujah, we are on our way to God
From Egypt lately come
Where death and darkness reign
To seek our new our better home
Where we our rest shall gain
There sin and sorrow cease
And every conflict’s o’er
There we shall dwell in endless peace
And never hunger more
Jerusalem, our happy home
Would God I were in Thee
Would God my woes were at an end
Thy joy that I might see
We soon shall join the throng
Their pleasures we shall share
And sing the everlasting song
With all the ransomed there
Jerusalem, our happy home
Would God I were in Thee
Would God my woes were at an end
Thy joy that I might see
There in celestial strains
Enraptured myriads sing
There love in every bosom reigns
For God Himself is King
Jerusalem, our happy home
Would God I were in Thee
Would God my woes were at an end
Thy joy that I might see
Jerusalem, our happy home
Would God we were in Thee
Would God our woes were at an end
Thy joy at last shall see
=========================
-Joseph
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Life and the Way.
I've done a great deal of thinking recently. Profitable thinking, I hope, the sort of thinking that leads to appropriate revisions of my world view.
It struck me the other day how brief the Bible really is. Of course, it's long in comparison to most books we read, but taken as a whole, humans have never been very literate creatures. The printing press is a fairly modern invention, after all, and our attention spans are shorter now than ever.
But just think of all the Bible -could- say. The Pharisees thought their list of regulations was appropriately detailed, but they didn't even scratch the surface. God's laws could run on to every single detailed aspect of our lives, filling tomes and tomes. The canon could continue to this day, periodically updated to reflect the complexity of modern life. The heresies that have emerged through the years could have been crushed by apostolic revelation, accompanied by the testifying signs and wonders, as in the years after Pentecost. We could have new epistles dealing with media, Christian music, and to what extent Christians are responsible for changing culture (or retreating from it), or protecting the environment, or engaging in politics, or hundreds of other relevant topics.
But the Bible does not deal with these topics. It gives us underlying principles to live by, but one of those seems to be that God did not intend His revelation to be used as life micro-management.
The Law, which we (misinterpreting Paul) tend to view as oppressive, is comparatively light. It does not dictate, except under special circumstances, how a man must spend his time, or his money, and seems actually directed towards enabling him to live peaceably and prosperously on his own land and manage his own affairs -with the exception that all he has, time, life, and possessions, must be seen as a gift from a God to whom he is ultimately and utterly responsible.
In that respect, the rest of Scripture is not so different.
Though we are called to make disciples of all nations, and to love the Lord and our neighbors to the utmost of our abilities, we do not receive commands like "spend a tithe of your days witnessing" or "let the Lord's day be a day of fasting". Subsets of the Church have, at various times, instituted these sorts of extra-Biblical regulations, and many Christians have labored under them. (Often to good effect. These rules may in fact be good and useful, but my point is that they are never specifically proscribed by Scriptural mandate)
However, we are commanded to be living sacrifices. It seems that we have sometimes totally misinterpreted this command. The command is not to "do", but to "be".
All that God demands of you is total and complete, utter surrender of yourself. Then you may do as you like, because what you like will be more and more consistent with the character of Jesus, who only did what He saw His Father doing.
All our doing and striving and toil to please God is fruitless without surrender. We are on the wrong side of the canyon which must be crossed, and cannot be uncrossed. And likewise, even our rest and relaxation and amusing of ourselves is pleasing to God once we have fully surrendered to Him.
But it seems we would do almost anything rather than totally surrender, even though upon accepting Christ we have effectively done this. Speaking of "the rabbi's yoke", He said: "my yoke is easy and my burden is light". He did not say: "my yoke is optional if you make the burden sufficiently heavy". If we are to follow Him, we must take His yoke. That was never an option.
In my own life, I have found that I increasingly try to define small spaces that are my own. Even tiny ones, where I say "Alright Lord, I will be available to you in 10 minutes, I really will, I promise." It seems that I want to take breaks, because I find His work tiring. But it's not really tiring. I love it, though it may physically and mentally tire me, usually I come away from ministry feeling satisfied and soul-refreshed. So what is it that I find tiring exactly? I believe it is the part of me that is still trying to hold out. That little piece of my spirit that wants to maintain a toe-hold on what the world would call "reality", and Paul would call "the world" or "the flesh".
When will I completely submit? What will it take? I don't even value anything I would seek to "retreat" from submission to accomplish. It's as if I feel compelled to maintain a few small "backup" areas in my life. As if I don't fully believe.
But I do believe. Every time I return to that argument, I look back on my life and see the results of my belief, and what He in whom I believe has accomplished. After at least a few years of ministry, I have seen things happen which cannot be explained any other way than God's existence (as the God revealed to us in Scripture) and blessed intervention into the realm of men.
So the question is not belief. But faith without works is dead. Yet I have works as well. I cannot boast as Paul did, but most would look at my life and say that I have served well up to this point.
So what remains? I believe my righteousness is as "filthy rags" before God. Those works are grateful service, not payment for grace.
Perhaps the dissonance I feel between fulling submitting to God is that there are things I know He could ask me to do that I would shy away from. Service is wonderful, but service on one's own terms is baseless. Whatever God is asking you to do, you must do it. We are sometimes quick to say "That would be out of God's character, God wouldn't be asking me to do that". Perhaps not. But so is human sacrifice. Perhaps, like Abraham, He is testing our obedience.
The fate of my soul is secure; the light deep within which I cannot myself ignite now radiates clearly. My business is now to make myself as transparent as possible so that the light will shine through. Submitting to God is the only way. Pursuing my own ends, however worthy, will only obscure that light. So I must die to self, so that I can live, and be an instrument of God's conveying of life to others. I would say that this is what I want. Is it really? It is, deep down, and also on the surface. But God is shifting the outward weakened priority to meet the inward reality.
There are so many distractions in life that slow this process. I myself am perhaps even more susceptible to them than most. But I recently came to realize that those distractions which are most effective in side-tracking me are merely false imitations of what God has already promised to give me. Let us ignore those and instead press on towards the true rewards which are in store for us, instead of reaching for the tantalizing versions of them we see around us.
Certainly, only through utter surrender can we press through and reach the place where God would have each of us dwell for this life.
-Joseph
It struck me the other day how brief the Bible really is. Of course, it's long in comparison to most books we read, but taken as a whole, humans have never been very literate creatures. The printing press is a fairly modern invention, after all, and our attention spans are shorter now than ever.
But just think of all the Bible -could- say. The Pharisees thought their list of regulations was appropriately detailed, but they didn't even scratch the surface. God's laws could run on to every single detailed aspect of our lives, filling tomes and tomes. The canon could continue to this day, periodically updated to reflect the complexity of modern life. The heresies that have emerged through the years could have been crushed by apostolic revelation, accompanied by the testifying signs and wonders, as in the years after Pentecost. We could have new epistles dealing with media, Christian music, and to what extent Christians are responsible for changing culture (or retreating from it), or protecting the environment, or engaging in politics, or hundreds of other relevant topics.
But the Bible does not deal with these topics. It gives us underlying principles to live by, but one of those seems to be that God did not intend His revelation to be used as life micro-management.
The Law, which we (misinterpreting Paul) tend to view as oppressive, is comparatively light. It does not dictate, except under special circumstances, how a man must spend his time, or his money, and seems actually directed towards enabling him to live peaceably and prosperously on his own land and manage his own affairs -with the exception that all he has, time, life, and possessions, must be seen as a gift from a God to whom he is ultimately and utterly responsible.
In that respect, the rest of Scripture is not so different.
Though we are called to make disciples of all nations, and to love the Lord and our neighbors to the utmost of our abilities, we do not receive commands like "spend a tithe of your days witnessing" or "let the Lord's day be a day of fasting". Subsets of the Church have, at various times, instituted these sorts of extra-Biblical regulations, and many Christians have labored under them. (Often to good effect. These rules may in fact be good and useful, but my point is that they are never specifically proscribed by Scriptural mandate)
However, we are commanded to be living sacrifices. It seems that we have sometimes totally misinterpreted this command. The command is not to "do", but to "be".
All that God demands of you is total and complete, utter surrender of yourself. Then you may do as you like, because what you like will be more and more consistent with the character of Jesus, who only did what He saw His Father doing.
All our doing and striving and toil to please God is fruitless without surrender. We are on the wrong side of the canyon which must be crossed, and cannot be uncrossed. And likewise, even our rest and relaxation and amusing of ourselves is pleasing to God once we have fully surrendered to Him.
But it seems we would do almost anything rather than totally surrender, even though upon accepting Christ we have effectively done this. Speaking of "the rabbi's yoke", He said: "my yoke is easy and my burden is light". He did not say: "my yoke is optional if you make the burden sufficiently heavy". If we are to follow Him, we must take His yoke. That was never an option.
In my own life, I have found that I increasingly try to define small spaces that are my own. Even tiny ones, where I say "Alright Lord, I will be available to you in 10 minutes, I really will, I promise." It seems that I want to take breaks, because I find His work tiring. But it's not really tiring. I love it, though it may physically and mentally tire me, usually I come away from ministry feeling satisfied and soul-refreshed. So what is it that I find tiring exactly? I believe it is the part of me that is still trying to hold out. That little piece of my spirit that wants to maintain a toe-hold on what the world would call "reality", and Paul would call "the world" or "the flesh".
When will I completely submit? What will it take? I don't even value anything I would seek to "retreat" from submission to accomplish. It's as if I feel compelled to maintain a few small "backup" areas in my life. As if I don't fully believe.
But I do believe. Every time I return to that argument, I look back on my life and see the results of my belief, and what He in whom I believe has accomplished. After at least a few years of ministry, I have seen things happen which cannot be explained any other way than God's existence (as the God revealed to us in Scripture) and blessed intervention into the realm of men.
So the question is not belief. But faith without works is dead. Yet I have works as well. I cannot boast as Paul did, but most would look at my life and say that I have served well up to this point.
So what remains? I believe my righteousness is as "filthy rags" before God. Those works are grateful service, not payment for grace.
Perhaps the dissonance I feel between fulling submitting to God is that there are things I know He could ask me to do that I would shy away from. Service is wonderful, but service on one's own terms is baseless. Whatever God is asking you to do, you must do it. We are sometimes quick to say "That would be out of God's character, God wouldn't be asking me to do that". Perhaps not. But so is human sacrifice. Perhaps, like Abraham, He is testing our obedience.
The fate of my soul is secure; the light deep within which I cannot myself ignite now radiates clearly. My business is now to make myself as transparent as possible so that the light will shine through. Submitting to God is the only way. Pursuing my own ends, however worthy, will only obscure that light. So I must die to self, so that I can live, and be an instrument of God's conveying of life to others. I would say that this is what I want. Is it really? It is, deep down, and also on the surface. But God is shifting the outward weakened priority to meet the inward reality.
There are so many distractions in life that slow this process. I myself am perhaps even more susceptible to them than most. But I recently came to realize that those distractions which are most effective in side-tracking me are merely false imitations of what God has already promised to give me. Let us ignore those and instead press on towards the true rewards which are in store for us, instead of reaching for the tantalizing versions of them we see around us.
Certainly, only through utter surrender can we press through and reach the place where God would have each of us dwell for this life.
-Joseph
Sunday, December 27, 2009
All is Gift
How shameful and deep my sin before a holy God.
How utterly debase and without remedy my circumstances before Him.
On what grounds could I possibly approach Him?
Only because I know that His Son has already suffered everything that stands between us.
It cannot be, it must not ever be, anything more or less than precisely that.
I may approach the Father because the Son has made a way.
My life I doubly owe to Him; both the breath of life within me and the Spirit within me are willing and unilateral gifts from Him. My life is simply and totally a gift; therefore I cannot see how I can lay any claim to it whatsoever. And so I must be a living sacrifice, yet even that is impossible to me without Him.
Why would a perfect God create such a situation, with creatures who can give Him nothing, and rely on Him for everything, then pay an unimaginably great price to make a way back to Himself when they rejected Him? It could only be because of His love. No other motive can explain it.
So I am given life, and am loved. The only suitable response can be to live life, and to love. And to do both well. May this coming year be a year in which I learn how.
-Joseph
How utterly debase and without remedy my circumstances before Him.
On what grounds could I possibly approach Him?
Only because I know that His Son has already suffered everything that stands between us.
It cannot be, it must not ever be, anything more or less than precisely that.
I may approach the Father because the Son has made a way.
My life I doubly owe to Him; both the breath of life within me and the Spirit within me are willing and unilateral gifts from Him. My life is simply and totally a gift; therefore I cannot see how I can lay any claim to it whatsoever. And so I must be a living sacrifice, yet even that is impossible to me without Him.
Why would a perfect God create such a situation, with creatures who can give Him nothing, and rely on Him for everything, then pay an unimaginably great price to make a way back to Himself when they rejected Him? It could only be because of His love. No other motive can explain it.
So I am given life, and am loved. The only suitable response can be to live life, and to love. And to do both well. May this coming year be a year in which I learn how.
-Joseph
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Fall Semester's End - A Poem
Somehow it got here, the very last class
The end of an era, has now come to pass
Exams now, and papers, these few final tests
My sleep swiftly steal, as my eyes will attest
My brain is a numbness, my social life dies
But cups of caffeine clear the mist from my eyes
Now vocab, and method, and reading, and such
Have stolen my time and not left me with much
Yet drenching my mind with these faithful conceptions
Is starting me next year with heightened perceptions
Forgive me, my friends, if I seem to sequester
Myself at the end of this fruitful semester
But failing to reach those high marks which I've struggled
To reach leaves me questioning all that I've juggled
My time and my habits are all in debate
Until these dread deadlines begin to abate
And reaching a place where I find I can rest
I can put from my mind every thought of a test
And quizzes and papers and protestant movements
And yes those turabian format improvements
For now that the break time has finally come
I can get back my sleep and my mind and then some
Yet resting and chatting and eating my fill
I can't rid my brain of a daunting thought still
Which is namely that all this has been only one
Of the numerous laps before this race is run
I'll need more endurance to get to the end
Of all this, and so I most surely intend
To make resolutions which prove efficacious
At saving my wits in a schedule less gracious
So gratefully Lord now I thank You at last
That a worthwhile semester is finally past
And I read my devotions for worship and pleasure
Not just hermeneutical value to measure
For of making of books there is no end in sight
As Solomon noted, and he was quite right
Now we pack up our things and drive home for a while
For good times with loved ones we'll greet with a smile
But with all that we're doing, it's best to remember:
New classes come quickly when it's late December
-Michael Joseph Swanson
The end of an era, has now come to pass
Exams now, and papers, these few final tests
My sleep swiftly steal, as my eyes will attest
My brain is a numbness, my social life dies
But cups of caffeine clear the mist from my eyes
Now vocab, and method, and reading, and such
Have stolen my time and not left me with much
Yet drenching my mind with these faithful conceptions
Is starting me next year with heightened perceptions
Forgive me, my friends, if I seem to sequester
Myself at the end of this fruitful semester
But failing to reach those high marks which I've struggled
To reach leaves me questioning all that I've juggled
My time and my habits are all in debate
Until these dread deadlines begin to abate
And reaching a place where I find I can rest
I can put from my mind every thought of a test
And quizzes and papers and protestant movements
And yes those turabian format improvements
For now that the break time has finally come
I can get back my sleep and my mind and then some
Yet resting and chatting and eating my fill
I can't rid my brain of a daunting thought still
Which is namely that all this has been only one
Of the numerous laps before this race is run
I'll need more endurance to get to the end
Of all this, and so I most surely intend
To make resolutions which prove efficacious
At saving my wits in a schedule less gracious
So gratefully Lord now I thank You at last
That a worthwhile semester is finally past
And I read my devotions for worship and pleasure
Not just hermeneutical value to measure
For of making of books there is no end in sight
As Solomon noted, and he was quite right
Now we pack up our things and drive home for a while
For good times with loved ones we'll greet with a smile
But with all that we're doing, it's best to remember:
New classes come quickly when it's late December
-Michael Joseph Swanson
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Egenomaen, Ginomai, Ginsomai
I have become, I am becoming, I will become...
Trusting that my Greek is not utterly wrong, that is. And Greek is just one of the things that have been poured into me this semester. I feel like a freshman again, so much perspective-shifting knowledge being acquired in such a short period of time that it almost makes me dizzy.
The words of the Bible seem to leap forth from the page now, a process that will but increase with all the Biblical Exposition classes I must take next semester.
As someone who distrusted seminary initially, I admit I am taking to it rather quickly.
But then, it's also not what I expected, nor what I have heard it was. How strange that nearly everything I engage in works out differently for me than its reputation would seem to suggest.
I am sure, of course, that having a clear goal in sight helps. Moving steadily towards the missions field allows me to see my classes not as information that may or may not be applicable to my eventual ministry, but as crucial scraps of information every one of which may be useful at some point in the future. And are useful even now. God has graciously connected me with a number of ministry opportunities that apply directly to the goal toward which I strive, both equipping me for that goal and confirming me in my pursuit of it. I will not jump to conclusions, God may indeed have some other goal than the missions field and Taiwan which He is currently preparing me for and will soon begin steering me closer to, but for now I have only received repeated confirmations that the direction I am facing is the one I should continue in.
And so I look back over a semester, not-yet-completed, in which I began knowing the Greek alphabet, and now can make sense of an imperfect middle/passive indicative Greek verb; in which I began knowing archeology supported the Bible and now know that the ancient city of Ugarit supplied much of our background information on culture in the times of the Patriarchs and Conquest; in which I began knowing that context was crucial in interpreting Scripture, and now know that literary genre forms an essential part of that context; in which I began knowing that spiritual discipline was an area I was deficient in, and now cannot imagine how I have managed all this time without it. God is truly gracious, and it must be true that as far as I have come in one semester of seminary, while an incontrovertible blessing, also pales in comparison with how far I am yet called to go.
And I cannot do this on my own, that much is obvious. Left to myself, I have only picked the path which seemed good to me, only to find that my best intentions often led to painful consequences. And such is still the case. I need Him every day. I am lost without Him. He is the Source which perpetually holds all things together, and the foundation of my world, both tangible and intangible. Truly He is my Light, my Rock, and my Salvation, and forevermore shall be.
因為祂是我的主
Trusting that my Greek is not utterly wrong, that is. And Greek is just one of the things that have been poured into me this semester. I feel like a freshman again, so much perspective-shifting knowledge being acquired in such a short period of time that it almost makes me dizzy.
The words of the Bible seem to leap forth from the page now, a process that will but increase with all the Biblical Exposition classes I must take next semester.
As someone who distrusted seminary initially, I admit I am taking to it rather quickly.
But then, it's also not what I expected, nor what I have heard it was. How strange that nearly everything I engage in works out differently for me than its reputation would seem to suggest.
I am sure, of course, that having a clear goal in sight helps. Moving steadily towards the missions field allows me to see my classes not as information that may or may not be applicable to my eventual ministry, but as crucial scraps of information every one of which may be useful at some point in the future. And are useful even now. God has graciously connected me with a number of ministry opportunities that apply directly to the goal toward which I strive, both equipping me for that goal and confirming me in my pursuit of it. I will not jump to conclusions, God may indeed have some other goal than the missions field and Taiwan which He is currently preparing me for and will soon begin steering me closer to, but for now I have only received repeated confirmations that the direction I am facing is the one I should continue in.
And so I look back over a semester, not-yet-completed, in which I began knowing the Greek alphabet, and now can make sense of an imperfect middle/passive indicative Greek verb; in which I began knowing archeology supported the Bible and now know that the ancient city of Ugarit supplied much of our background information on culture in the times of the Patriarchs and Conquest; in which I began knowing that context was crucial in interpreting Scripture, and now know that literary genre forms an essential part of that context; in which I began knowing that spiritual discipline was an area I was deficient in, and now cannot imagine how I have managed all this time without it. God is truly gracious, and it must be true that as far as I have come in one semester of seminary, while an incontrovertible blessing, also pales in comparison with how far I am yet called to go.
And I cannot do this on my own, that much is obvious. Left to myself, I have only picked the path which seemed good to me, only to find that my best intentions often led to painful consequences. And such is still the case. I need Him every day. I am lost without Him. He is the Source which perpetually holds all things together, and the foundation of my world, both tangible and intangible. Truly He is my Light, my Rock, and my Salvation, and forevermore shall be.
Kai proskunevw aujtovn...
因為祂是我的主
Monday, October 5, 2009
Familiar Time Constraints
My thoughts are fragmented tonight. I feel as though I write while in the act of stepping from one stone to another in this phase of my life, crossing an icy stream. I cannot pause to collect my thoughts, for to cease stepping is to begin falling in. Those tentative leaps, when one's foot has only moments to decide whether the stone it lands upon is a suitable resting place, or a treacherous platform that will tip into the flowing torrent. Perhaps I should pay more attention to the next stone and less to writing about the moment when I hang in between them. But my thoughts seek to be written. Perhaps I can force them into a cohesive framework. Here goes.
It's been a few years since I've been in this place.
My wristwatch is back. It vanished from my wrist while in Taiwan, and stayed mostly off it from the time of my return until a couple of weeks ago. Now it encircles my wrist again, marking the passage of time and a newly necessary concern for it.
As a symbol, it's useful for marking my return to a familiar style of life.
For almost a year now, I've been back in the States. It's not all been pleasant, but God has lifted me from my post-return slump in more ways than one. Now I'm living in Dallas Texas and attending classes at Dallas seminary. My brain and will resisted the change in some ways. They had gotten lazy, used to weeks in which my schedule was flexible. Even working at Barnhart, when I had little time for anything else, felt like a cessation from normality, not a change in the pace of life.
Starting the semester, I took too much advantage of the free time my schedule allowed. Though I did search for a job, finding few suitable openings and applying fruitlessly to the ones I did find, my time-management was fundamentally unacceptable. But the metronome's pace was quickening inexorably. The change was preceded by a torrent of godly wisdom, received from my surroundings at seminary and a loving Father who did not deal with me as my actions (or inaction) deserved. Then the flood of busyness came. The experience is like an out-of-shape person getting back into an exercise routine. First it seems impossible that such a physically demanding workout could be repeated multiple times a week. Then it seems possible but exhausting. Then it seems exhausting but somehow rewarding. Then it becomes rewarding and enjoyable. Enjoyable in a tiring way, but enjoyable nonetheless, as useful and productive things often are. Finally one finds oneself enjoying something that would have been totally impossible before. It's growth, in a real sense.
Now I am working into a pace of life that slips on like a constricting but familiar necktie, and I see how far I am advancing. Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a time and a season for everything in life. This is, it would seem, the season in which I do many things and rest little. Projects, meetings, assignments, ministry, church meetings, errands... where have I seen this pattern before? Ah yes.
Hello college days. Haven't seen you in a while. Were you missed? In some ways, perhaps.
Now Taiwan that was an open-ended change in my life, with a return but no resolution, begins to assume a consigned place in it: "Between my post-college work experience, and my time at DTS." It sounds so mundane with bookends, even with one bookend being DTS. Yet thankfully it has not been made less relevant by the consignment. That year, so much more significant than a year could seem to be, propels me forward. And it stays with me, in some ways. Somehow, I know a little Chinese. It becomes almost humorous in the context of American life. Suddenly I am speaking some other language which white people do not, as a rule, speak here. I hear a strange voice, and that is certainly Chinese coming from me.
I cannot allow myself to rest upon that year, however. It would be easy. I have enough stories for a lifetime of telling interesting stories to people who haven't heard them yet. I have enough Chinese to impress Chinese people who haven't met me before. I have enough Taiwanese nicknacks and decorative odds and ends to look well-traveled and experienced to untraveled or inexperienced people. How disastrous would it be to remain here, growing comfortable in a slowly diminishing Taiwanese adaptation, satisfying myself with happy memories of a year to be remembered? A sad fate. One sadly realized by not a few.
But I have a goal, one I feel did not originate in me. My burden for Taiwan may be made to rest and wait while I make preparations, but it has not been laid aside, or forgotten. I pray that God will never let me do so. And it does not seem that He will. I am in a Chinese church now, where my meager Chinese cannot be taken for granted, but must indeed be improved if I am to be effective. I have been asked to lead missions trips to Taiwan. I met a TEAM rep the other day. Such things are not coincidental, and I have not sought them out. They found me, and I only responded. I thank God for this two-fold blessing; that I could continue my journey towards Taiwan even as I spend time away preparing for it, and that He brings these things to me so that I cannot accuse myself of pursuing a Taiwanese 'bubble' when I am surrounded by other needs.
So now I walk an unfamiliar path, yet with surroundings and echoes that seem familiar.
Living in a new city but with Taiwanese food. Working at a new church but with ministry in Chinese. Ironically it is that which is foreign that seems familiar, and that which is familiar that seems foreign. My mind struggles to separate the two, yet is grateful for their presence together.
I am plunging back into the realm of serious academia, yet with a flavor added by experiences gained since my last sojourn there. (Shall all of life unfold this way?)
But I cannot rest here either, for graduate school does not last long.
The sluggish inertia that seeks to lie down and sleep at every new pause and the restless drive to push on past every resting place are in constant tension. The flesh rises up in rebellion, clouding my vision and impeding my steps. There can be no tolerating it, total war is the only option.
Lord, please teach me to rest in you, and yet also run the race with endurance. I am not satisfied with who I am, but let my progress be guided by a disciplined seeking after Christ, not by a conformation to the demands of my life. And all this cannot happen from my own efforts. I must seek the presence of the One who gives life in abundance.
I need more of Him. I must have more of Him.
-Joseph
It's been a few years since I've been in this place.
My wristwatch is back. It vanished from my wrist while in Taiwan, and stayed mostly off it from the time of my return until a couple of weeks ago. Now it encircles my wrist again, marking the passage of time and a newly necessary concern for it.
As a symbol, it's useful for marking my return to a familiar style of life.
For almost a year now, I've been back in the States. It's not all been pleasant, but God has lifted me from my post-return slump in more ways than one. Now I'm living in Dallas Texas and attending classes at Dallas seminary. My brain and will resisted the change in some ways. They had gotten lazy, used to weeks in which my schedule was flexible. Even working at Barnhart, when I had little time for anything else, felt like a cessation from normality, not a change in the pace of life.
Starting the semester, I took too much advantage of the free time my schedule allowed. Though I did search for a job, finding few suitable openings and applying fruitlessly to the ones I did find, my time-management was fundamentally unacceptable. But the metronome's pace was quickening inexorably. The change was preceded by a torrent of godly wisdom, received from my surroundings at seminary and a loving Father who did not deal with me as my actions (or inaction) deserved. Then the flood of busyness came. The experience is like an out-of-shape person getting back into an exercise routine. First it seems impossible that such a physically demanding workout could be repeated multiple times a week. Then it seems possible but exhausting. Then it seems exhausting but somehow rewarding. Then it becomes rewarding and enjoyable. Enjoyable in a tiring way, but enjoyable nonetheless, as useful and productive things often are. Finally one finds oneself enjoying something that would have been totally impossible before. It's growth, in a real sense.
Now I am working into a pace of life that slips on like a constricting but familiar necktie, and I see how far I am advancing. Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a time and a season for everything in life. This is, it would seem, the season in which I do many things and rest little. Projects, meetings, assignments, ministry, church meetings, errands... where have I seen this pattern before? Ah yes.
Hello college days. Haven't seen you in a while. Were you missed? In some ways, perhaps.
Now Taiwan that was an open-ended change in my life, with a return but no resolution, begins to assume a consigned place in it: "Between my post-college work experience, and my time at DTS." It sounds so mundane with bookends, even with one bookend being DTS. Yet thankfully it has not been made less relevant by the consignment. That year, so much more significant than a year could seem to be, propels me forward. And it stays with me, in some ways. Somehow, I know a little Chinese. It becomes almost humorous in the context of American life. Suddenly I am speaking some other language which white people do not, as a rule, speak here. I hear a strange voice, and that is certainly Chinese coming from me.
I cannot allow myself to rest upon that year, however. It would be easy. I have enough stories for a lifetime of telling interesting stories to people who haven't heard them yet. I have enough Chinese to impress Chinese people who haven't met me before. I have enough Taiwanese nicknacks and decorative odds and ends to look well-traveled and experienced to untraveled or inexperienced people. How disastrous would it be to remain here, growing comfortable in a slowly diminishing Taiwanese adaptation, satisfying myself with happy memories of a year to be remembered? A sad fate. One sadly realized by not a few.
But I have a goal, one I feel did not originate in me. My burden for Taiwan may be made to rest and wait while I make preparations, but it has not been laid aside, or forgotten. I pray that God will never let me do so. And it does not seem that He will. I am in a Chinese church now, where my meager Chinese cannot be taken for granted, but must indeed be improved if I am to be effective. I have been asked to lead missions trips to Taiwan. I met a TEAM rep the other day. Such things are not coincidental, and I have not sought them out. They found me, and I only responded. I thank God for this two-fold blessing; that I could continue my journey towards Taiwan even as I spend time away preparing for it, and that He brings these things to me so that I cannot accuse myself of pursuing a Taiwanese 'bubble' when I am surrounded by other needs.
So now I walk an unfamiliar path, yet with surroundings and echoes that seem familiar.
Living in a new city but with Taiwanese food. Working at a new church but with ministry in Chinese. Ironically it is that which is foreign that seems familiar, and that which is familiar that seems foreign. My mind struggles to separate the two, yet is grateful for their presence together.
I am plunging back into the realm of serious academia, yet with a flavor added by experiences gained since my last sojourn there. (Shall all of life unfold this way?)
But I cannot rest here either, for graduate school does not last long.
The sluggish inertia that seeks to lie down and sleep at every new pause and the restless drive to push on past every resting place are in constant tension. The flesh rises up in rebellion, clouding my vision and impeding my steps. There can be no tolerating it, total war is the only option.
Lord, please teach me to rest in you, and yet also run the race with endurance. I am not satisfied with who I am, but let my progress be guided by a disciplined seeking after Christ, not by a conformation to the demands of my life. And all this cannot happen from my own efforts. I must seek the presence of the One who gives life in abundance.
I need more of Him. I must have more of Him.
-Joseph
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