Tips on the Art of Flying Coach

My Dear Friends.

For those of us not afforded the luxury of flying in the spacious thrones of business class, let alone the mysterious, ascended world of first class, flights can be rough, no?

What with the wheezing behemoth in the seat next to you, or the screaming kid kicking the back of your seat, or simply being jammed into a tiny space for hours in conditions that would be considered violations of the Geneva Convention were they to be inflicted upon enemy combatants, it's understandable that you may miss some of the perks and privileges, and, dare I say, responsibilities of coach flying.

First of all, there's a sort of rough camaraderie that comes with coach. Forced together with the teeming masses of humanity, you are forced to confront that which you despise and recognize that we have met the enemy and it is indeed, us. Or more specifically, it is that rude person in front of you who keeps reclining their seat during meal time. A pox on them. But no, these are the things which make us stronger, and we emerge with a greater appreciation for the sort of decent people who apologize before they climb over and around you on their incessant trips to the bathroom, or who don't try to give you looks that imply they are blaming you for shifting uncomfortably when they keep awkwardly making knee contact.

Secondly, there are free drinks. Yes, I know they're not free, you actually paid dearly for them and over the past few decades have experienced increasingly diminished service and snack/beverage options on American carriers in exchange for higher prices. Now you're lucky to get stale pretzels. Not to mention charging for checked bags, the monsters. (Except Southwest. You guys rock) But let's focus on the positives here: You have options ranging from tomato juice, which oddly every airline seems to offer, to any number of soft drinks, some of which even helpfully have had chemicals added to trick your body into thinking there's sugar when there is not.
However, you know better than to fall for this illusion of choice, this procrustean bed of beverages which provide too little water to rehydrate yet enough to cause a bladder emergency just as the plane prepares for landing. Bear in mind this rule: There is one acceptable beverage on a flight, other than perhaps water itself, and that is this:

Note, this is not an endorsement of American Airlines. But Ginger Ale makes any flight better.

Obviously this is a self-evident truth, which should require no explanation. But I will indulge the skeptics. Consider that tomato juice is highly acidic, as is Coke and some of the other soft drinks. Do you really want to put that into your body, already locked in place to ensure your metabolism is unable to perform its normal cleansing routines efficiently? The alcohol, if available, usually costs money, so we can immediately dispense with such wastefulness. Have a drink on the ground, if you must, not at high altitudes where your liver takes a harder hit. Now, recall ginger and its many helpful properties. It helps settle the stomach, aids in digestion should horrible plane food be forthcoming, and even helps with motion sickness, should you suffer from it.

Thirdly, you are flying. Flying. Think about that. You are traveling above the clouds. You, the sort of lowly human who couldn't even afford business class, look out over a vast realm of sky which none of the greatest kings, emperors, or conquerors of antiquity ever saw. You know what the tops of clouds look like. You may fly up through rain and gloom and burst gloriously into the endless sun and blue skies of the world above. That should count for something. Buy your tickets early and get a window seat, for goodness' sake.

For all of history until less than 200 years ago, no wealth, power, or fame could have bought this view. Enjoy it.

Fourthly, Responsibilities. Just because you couldn't snag a roomier seat doesn't mean you are resolved of all responsibilities. You're familiar with the exit row duties; in the horrible event that they should become necessary, you have to do... something. It's not entirely clear what, beyond wrangling a dubiously-handled door. They don't give instructions for that in their little spiel before every flight, do they? But they do always mention that bit about making your children wait while you adjust your oxygen mask. That never seemed quite right, but I assume the reasoning goes that you put your own mask on first because if you take too long getting theirs on, you will pass out and thus be unable to... put your own mask on. Seems circular, but it's probably a felony to disobey it. Anyway, hopefully my readers will never be forced to test the efficacy of this procedure. Whatever the case may be, it has come to my attention that in that little pre-flight song and dance, they leave out a very important instruction regarding your tray tables. Namely, how to properly secure them. Consider the following example:

Would you leave a picture hanging like this?

Clearly, this is unacceptable. Just look at it. This is not a properly secured tray table. It advertises a general slovenliness and blasé attitude toward life, as if the passenger content with such an maladjusted situation would be likely to leave doors slightly ajar, and waste air-conditioning. Perhaps they would be that person who parks slightly across the line, denying anyone else that adjacent space in the crowded lot.

Now, merely for demonstration purposes (don't be alarmed, you are unlikely to encounter it in the wild), I present a more egregious example:

No no no no no no...

This one is downright reprehensible. Could any sane person live with this? Like the Sword of Damocles, this tray table is just waiting to crash down at some inopportune moment. It's an accident waiting to happen, and clearly we can infer the same about the careless passenger who allow such a situation to go unnoticed (for what rational being could permit it to continue, having noticed it?). This strongly evokes the sort of person who searches in their floorboard for dropped items while driving through an intersection, who believes the lottery is a good investment strategy, who would see nothing wrong with cutting twice and measuring once.

Don't be a mad fool; ensure that your tray table is properly fastened.
And now I submit to you this final, correct example:

A thing of beauty is a joy to behold.

Ah, serenity. All is as it should be. Do you not feel a sense of calmness descend just by looking at it? Clearly this passenger has their act together. They are the type who picks up other people's litter, who save more than they spend, whose houseplants never die. Their body may be enduring cramped discomfort, but their mind soars free among the clear skies and bright clouds of conscientiousness and proper form. Be this passenger, by all means, and instruct others in so being. And, if the need arises, reach over and help your neighboring passenger correct theirs, perhaps while they are freshening up or resting. They may not notice the change, but subconsciously they will begin the process of becoming a better person.

In Conclusion, we see that flying coach is not merely drudgery. It is an opportunity, really -to love thy neighbor in the most altruistic sense, to strengthen your own digestion with a delicious and healthy beverage, to ascend heights not reached by mortal man until recently, and to avoid presenting yourself as careless or insane to your fellow passengers through gross neglect of a seemingly small matter. Go boldly into your next coach flight, intrepid passenger, and who knows, perhaps this will be the day you'll be bumped up to business class.