It's about time....

So, I am in Taiwan.

I have updated this so infrequently that I suspect no one will read it in anything like a timely fashion, so instead of giving an update I will simply ramble.

Being a missionary here is different than one might expect. The language barrier is something, certainly, and there are times when I eat strange food that I'm not crazy about, but for the most part the hardships are familiar, trivial ones, magnified by the lack of familiar, trivial comforts.

I love Chinese food, I am picking up a little Chinese (a very little, but any is more than I knew before!), my apartment is quite comfortable, and I am very much enjoying being overseas. So much for the conventional hardships of foreign missions...

No, the difficulties are things like missing my church on Sunday and feeling as if my spiritual life is suffering for the lack of it (so much for missions being a permanent spiritual high, eh?); being in a culture where hugs are definitely not given at farewells (it sounds silly but you really do start to miss it); wondering if the work that I'm doing will have any eternal significance because much of it does not seem particularly evangelical (I'm aware that this is an easy fallacy to fall into, but knowing that does not always stop me), etc.

I have delved deep into my relationship with God and found that there is not nearly so much there as there should be at this point in my life. I find myself assailed with doubts when I should be faithful, hesitant when I should be bold, incompetent when I should be capable. I am not sufficient for this task, and this humbles and shames me. I pray to God for strength, and instead receive hard-won lessons.

In short, missions is not something you bring to other people. It's something God does to you.

He is certainly changing me. But the more I change, the farther I see I must change. In the curve which must approach sanctification, I feel I am asymptotically veering farther away.
Eventually, it will come around. It must, because He has said it will be so. But in the mean time I feel very far from where I should be.

I ask myself, how can I share God with others when I have pursued Him so little myself?
How will He overflow from my life to that of others when I feel like a virtual black hole of His forgiveness and mercy, constantly needing greater quantities of it?

I believe He will, and maybe is even now.
One thing I may be sure of, all glory is His.
In my endless quest to justify everything about myself, I find that I utterly cannot.
I cannot justify myself, my actions, my thoughts, my relations with others, nothing.
I can only fall on His grace and pray that it will be sufficient for even one such as me.

-Joseph