Mind Games

Working hard these past couple weeks. What follows is merely an attempt to achieve catharsis through writing, so I apologize for what will sound very much like whining, and very unlike anything useful or edifying.

I seem to have a defect in my character, which is that while I am often very effective at tasks I have set my mind to, every so often I find myself nearly incapable of setting my mind to something, which makes it very difficult for me to accomplish.

The other side of this is that to do something well, I need to set my mind to it.

This means setting aside a certain amount of mental overhead, which varies depending on how natural the task is to me. Some things I can fully invest in, with enjoyment and little or no mental strain. Other things can require a constant effort to maintain focus, which in turn reduces mental energy available for other tasks.

My task of late has been my temporary job working out on the yard at the local branch of a company for which my father manages several offices.

The shift is 7AM to 3:30PM, if I don't go over, (we often do, to reach a good stopping point for the day, which means I have flex hours in case I can't make a full day at some point, due to illness or bad weather) which means I have to wake up at 5 or 5:30 every morning, and have 8 hours of manual labor (with 30min for lunch) every day, Monday to Friday.

That should be pretty straightforward, and it is, exhaustingly so.
Having to more or less forcibly shut off my brain for most of the day requires constant effort, as its natural state is to be spinning wildly. And then at the end of the day, I find waking it back up is difficult. My mind, consistently repressed, wishes to remain adapted to the new routine.

The physical side is reasonably laborious, but nothing like the strain of having to constantly pay attention to a mostly unchanging task. The best analogy I can think of is being required to watch water boil, for 8 hours a day, instantly removing the pot at precisely the boiling point and replacing it with a fresh one. Except that the pots boil at random speeds, requiring constant attention.

An additional difficulty is the very nature of the task to which I have been assigned.
While I won't go into excessive detail, it is essentially equivalent to being told to dig a hole and fill it in, or move a pile of dirt from here to there, then back.
My goal when starting any task is to finish it, and if possible, finish it in such a way that it never needs to be tackled again, leaving future energies for other tasks.
Now I find myself working almost for work's sake. If not for the purpose for which I am saving money, it would indeed be labor for labor's sake, considering my degree would allow me to work in a different field entirely, for a much higher hourly rate.

But I have already forsaken the path of personal prosperity, and each day I stay away from my career path is a little of my bridge burnt behind me.
I cannot fully feel the impact of this yet, I know. I'm young, healthy, and have no family or other dependents that would feel the stress of financial shortfalls. Later in life, if God permits me more decades, I will begin to fully realize the implications of my decisions now.
I have truly trusted God now, but I will have no choice but to fully trust Him then, when the funds run short and I'm not as flexible as I am now.

But to say it will be worth it is either to greatly understate, or to misunderstand the scenario entirely. Life is wasted when it is not spent in pursuit of God's plan and for His glory.
For a believer, this is what life is. Not to give God a substantial piece of 'your' time, but to surrender your whole life, all areas, all resources, all time, to the one to whom you owe your soul.
My life is a small thing to give the One who gave it to me, then died to give it anew, but it is all I have to give, and He knows that it is His.

So when I find myself writhing in the mental imprisonment of mostly mindless drudgery, I have to kick start myself a little. This is not for me, and it's not about me either. God who gave me my brain will keep it active enough to serve Him, and that is enough. Or should be. I have come so far, but only reached the top of the first foothill. Looking back, I can see myriads of people who will sadly never know the rewards of making it this far, but looking ahead, I see the mountain ranges yet to be crossed. What joys, pains, and glories lie in those sunny peaks and dark ravines, God knows. I do not. But I am impatient to be among them. In His time, in His time.

-Joseph